PHAT COLD BREW

Did you know you the word "phat" means excellent.. I didn't know either until now LOL. As of late, I've been dealing with two things, weight gain and a new-found love for cold brew.

Mo'Nique introduced me to the word "PHAT," which to me forever meant: PRETTY, HOT & TEMPTING!!! To be honest, it was the first movie to give me hope in finding love.... in NIGERIA. I was twelve when the film came out and I was probably weighing about 140lbs. My family called me fat, if I was being teased at school my weight would come up, all the magazines were bullying my favorite celebrities for being "fat" so basically in short, I HAVE SELF ESTEEM PROBLEMS LOL.

I haven't been feeling phat, I've been feeling FAT. As mentioned in an older post, I work for a bakery and I pretty much indulge every week without any restraint.

I've always been overweight.

I've always been the HOME-GIRL

I've always been "adorable"

I've always been the girl with the pretty face.

"Boys your age don't know but when they are older...." YADA YADA YADA YADA

Anyways, throughout my life I've done it all.. HERBALIFE (TO ALL MY TIA'S OUT THERE, F U), LIQUID DIET, VEGAN, PILLS, THE LIST GOES ON...

In 2019, I decided enough was enough, I was weighing 230lbs and I felt ugly. My cousin had signed-up at a recently opened gym in the neighborhood and was going to start working w/ a personal trainer. I felt motivated and started weightlifting with a personal trainer.

My WHOLE WORLD CHANGED.. I started losing weight, gaining muscle, feeling stronger, faster and honestly HOT AF LOL.

I wasn't the girl with just the pretty face anymore, I got down to 170lbs and I felt accepted. I could finally shop at the stores I wanted, I could FINALLY fall in love (ugh SO SAD I FELT THAT WAY), I could finally be more than just FAT.

So as you can imagine, my recent weight gain has been FUCKING WITH ME. The feelings that arise when I eat anything are straight-up toxic and I KNOW IT. I feel guilt for having a pastry, i feel guilty when i can't fit into my clothes and i feel like poop that sometimes the thing holding me back from going out and hanging out is how i look.

Deep down i know I AM A SEXY BITCH. I am more than my weight and I am more than a pretty fucking face, the only "fat" I am is PHAT bitch.

Society and the media suck and somehow we've been made to think that what we see promoted online is real and it's not.

Having abs takes a lot of fucking work (basically you can't have any carbs), being poreless is expensive, cooking every night/every fucking meal is UNREALISTIC. Life happens and you can't always fit everything in, especially if you live with family, have babies, dealing with everyday life stressors.. and MENTAL ILLNESS.

Victoria Beckham only eats like 3 carrots and salmon to keep her physique (something like that). I am a real azz WOMAN with a fulltime job, a partner, and sprinkle in all the of body dysmorphia brewing since '94.

The difference now is that this weight gain doesn't mean I am unlovable or weak or ugly. I am a person that is strong, healthy, and beautiful.

So this morning after going to the gym, I wanted a LARGE COLD BREW AND A PASTRY and guess what I got...

A MOTHERFUCK'N COLD BREW AND A DIRTY GIRL KOUIGN AMANN from Craftsman and Wolves.

IT WAS DELICIOUS (LIKE MY PHAT ASS). i wanted to take a picture of it all cute and untouched but i took a bite and my taste-buds were in heaven (where i am from). I will continue working out and eating as i wish in moderation. NO MORE SHAMING MYSELF. I am beautiful and some days I know this more than others and that's okay.

EAT the damn bread dammit, be kind to yourself, and I am thinking of you, you sexy PHAT bitch. <3